This cold, crushing sadness. It takes away my energy and makes me feel like I’m nothing.
Who didnt beat them, abuse them, or verbally fuck up their self esteem. Who was more than the reason their child cried themselves to sleep, who did good for their children. Hope you really take in to acount how important these days are.
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That no one would love me. I was weird, gross.. and my friends never liked me at all. My confidence was far below average, I thought I failed at life before it even began. I thought I was pathetic. No one would ever wanna be around me, that I meant nothing to anyone. I thought people would use me, break me, and I wasn’t wrong about that last part. I am broken.
I think now I finally see, that it took me getting to the edge of my own sanity to start fixing me again. I wasn’t pathetic, like I always thought I was. It took me an amazing bunch of people to turn my views on myself completely around. I think after this last year, I’m finally beginning to understand my own worth. And I may be a “runaway” right now, I may not have a comfortable bed to lie in, and so I’m living out of my friends house right now..
But I still think I have it pretty good. They helped me see that I could be worth something with a bit of encouragement. and he helped me see I could be Beautiful with a little bit of self-esteem.
I’m still angry, but it’s better now.
And the changes are very scary. I’ve been living with a very, very kind close friend of mine for this week, though soon will be moving on to my fiances moms house, without him. The days are better, but the nights are horrible, I wake up all the time in the middle of the night. I guess it’s cause I can’t decide if this was the best for me, or if it was the right thing to do. It was impossible to think I could stay there any longer, and be treated the way I did.
The last thing my mom said to me before I left (unknown to her I was going to) was, “Just fucking wait till you get home. You wanna be a bitch? Be the biggest bitch you can, but i’ll get you back.” See, the reason for her saying this was because she left me home alone all day to dig out a patio ALL BY MYSELF. One shovel, one wheelbarrow, and she expected it all to be done before she got home. Well, I did it, but no, it wasn’t good enough for her, cause SHE made the mistake not making it wide enough. So now she’s angry at me, and despite me telling her my friends are coming to pick me up, which she OKAY’D, she is freaking out cause I didn’t tell them to wait half an hour so I could dig with her. No, that’s not okay.
This isn’t the first time she’s done something so frustrating, on top of the fact that during my time as a small child she used to beat me and my brother/sister. My worst memory is from 5th grade, when I got a low grade on at test. Our school policy was that if the grade was too low, our parents would have to sign it, showing them we did bad so they could “help us” Well, my mom was NOT okay with bad grades, at all, so I was too scared to show her. My teacher sent a note home, saying so, and my mom got so, so angry about it, she chased me across the house into the kitchen corner, grabbed a wooden spoon and beat me across the head, face, and back.
So.. Looking back at all of that, remembering how angry she made me, it makes me happy I’ll never, ever see her again. She messed up my head so much, I couldn’t interact well in elementary school with people. But.. still, I constantly feel like i’m a burden to everyone. Plus I don’t think his mom wants me there, it’s just a gut feeling.. Derek is being really supportive, and making sure I feel okay and i’m comfortable. I just feel like nothing will be the same, ever again, and i’ll always feel lost. I don’t know what i’d do without him. I’m just scared.
I fucking hate it when you’re in such a fantastically giddy mood and then you see one simple little thing that makes you think, “oh” and then you just get this empty feeling in your chest and you get nauseous and the world just crumbles and you want to just lay under a blanket and close your eyes and fall asleep and never wake up.
my boyfriend has a nicer ass than me
I made this and took the pic
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